Hello, I am a stereotype

[serinde]

My moodiness increases, and when I say "moody" what I mean is mood swings that would be best modelled by the enormous pendulum they have in the atrium at the Liberty Science Center. Some of it has been poor blood sugar management, admittedly, but the rest is a rotten stinkin' Gordian knot of shoulder pain, no aikido, putting on weight as a result, work stress, and exhaustion. Each aspect feeds the rest, and though I sometimes manage to get a bit of equilibrium from centering and kokyu-ho and other techniques proper to a good aikidoka that don't require you to throw people across the room, it's requiring active concentration to maintain, which it's not like I can do nothing but that every minute of the day, and it also costs a few END per phase. And sometimes when I'm really at the end of my rope, I can't even find my center. That's pretty fucked up right there, dude.

So, yes, I am by turns acting like every cheap stand-up comedian's jokes about women. This I loathe, which feeds right back into the above knot of brokenness.

I have an appointment with a shoulder specialist next week, which I daresay he'll send me straight to an MRI, and maybe then I can get some hard data about what's wrong and how long til it's fixed. I hate this limbo state, this lack of information; it's a far greater loss of control, to me, and I'm not good at that. And that feeds right back into the above knot of brokenness.

I've grown to like living in a semi-tidy house, and it seriously makes my ass twitch when it's not in order; but it's exhausting/frustrating trying to keep it that way, on top of everything else. So I'm wretched if I do, and wretched if I don't.

Getting angry about everything feels better, a bit more empowering, than being pathetic, but I daresay it's a lot harder on everyone around me.

Comments

[dvandom.livejournal.com]

Well, one suggestion would be to find some non-arm-using exercise to perform in the interim. It won't be as good as aikido, it'll likely be boring, but something is always better than nothing. Go up and down some stairs for ten minutes at a shot, or something.

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and I'd had it in mind to use the elliptical trainer for instance, which is conveniently situated in front of the TV; but I never seem to have the time. The ideal thing about aikido was doing it on my lunch hour. (I could walk during lunch, but NYC during lunchtime is not the best situated for that.)

[dvandom.livejournal.com]

Well, you don't have to go outside to walk, unless inside is just as crowded at lunchtime. I do my daily exercise in the hallways at work, for instance.

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

Our building doesn't really work for that, unfortunately.

Mind, I do really like walking around the city; it's just not always the most efficient exercise method.

[dvandom.livejournal.com]

Well, of course it's not efficient. But like I said, something is better than nothing. Get your heart rate up for 20 minutes doing *something*. :)

[briony530.livejournal.com]

However you may perceive it, dear T, I know you aren't really acting like a stand-up comic stereotype female. You are too cool for that! Pet the Fizzgig for me.

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

She'll need it--she has a vet checkup tonight! O noes!

Also: thanks. :)

[briony530.livejournal.com]

You know "pet the Fizzgig" to those who don't know what the Fizzgig is, sounds VERY strange and potentially dirty.

[dvandom.livejournal.com]

And yet, fitting.

[dagnycat522.livejournal.com]

Oh I know what you mean...being "ick" about everything often explodes in rage. My only suggestion is finding something really dumb and irrelevant to target your rage to and rant about it. You possibly even wind up laughing