In which everything's taking its toll

As some of the Gentle Readers are aware, I'm currently in Palo Alto for the first iteration of a year-long leadership program, which started yesterday; and as others of the Gentle Readers are aware, yesterday is also when cobrawoman succumbed to the cancer she has been fighting these many months. (And whether you knew her or whether you didn't, you should go read her diary of these months, because you will see what an awesome, inspiring, unconquerable spirit she is. Was. Argh.)

sweh contacted me as the news was getting round and made sure I knew he was there if I needed anything. Which I didn't, and that seemed strange to me, considering what a mess I was when I got word about b00jum. Partially I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop--Mara hadn't posted in her blog in nearly a week, when she'd been absolutely meticulous about posting daily, and I had therefore been variably afraid that The End Was Nigh, and partially I had done a lot of grieving several months ago when I first got news that her sentence had been passed. But I also had a very clear sense that I was mightily repressing, because this program is super-intensive and sucking up a lot of my emotional energy and I had to box away other emotional foo until I had the space to deal with it.

Tonight there are no program events planned, so I phoned up jld, who works nearby, and proposed that we should bend elbow rather a lot tonight in memoriam. He was amenable and available, and so we did that thing at a randomly-New Orleans-ish-themed restaurant/bar equally convenient to my hotel and the transit he takes home. And it was good, and we had an excellent visit, and talked of days of yore; but I still feel walled off from my emotions and I still can't grieve fully, and I don't know when all of that is going to hit.