serinde

Depositing the check which is going to turn into a certified check for the down payment on our new house seems to have crystallized a few things in the old brane.

I've spent most of my life under the influence of my mother's (and to a lesser extent, my sister's) exhortations to be responsible, act like an adult, etc. And, since graduating college, I've gone through steady development progress towards that end; sometimes eagerly, sometimes kicking and screaming, but generally moving forwards. So here I am, married, with a job that is not over-remunerative but carries a lot of resume-significant responsibility (lookit me! I found a better way of saying "looks great on paper!"), investing most of my future into a house with a brown shadowbox fence, two cats, and a pool. With the potential of spawning down the road, a prospect with enough baggage that I don't need to bring it up in this post, but suffice to say the spectre is having its effect.

So, like, the American Dream and stuff, "somewhere out of a memory of quiet streets on a quiet night". It's what I've been programmed from birth to seek. And suddenly, I'm struck with the misspent youth I didn't have. Well yes, I scored max points on TEH WACKY SEXX0R, but that's about it. I've never blacked out from too much drink, I haven't backpacked around Europe, I haven't gotten completely lost in a Southeast Asian train system. I haven't tried living for a summer as a paid-under-the-table bartender or as a volunteer worker in a nature preserve or trying to write the Great Novel Of Our Time. I've never committed B&E or had sex anyplace I didn't have the keys for (and though that includes the high school auditorium lighting booth, I'm not sure it scores much in the way of cool points). I haven't followed a band or gone on a true Road Trip. I haven't been in a fight. I haven't even SEEN a fight.

Why this is suddenly hitting me like a truck, I don't know. Possibly because our current house payments were low enough that I could have done something wacky for a little while and not made things go foom. This new place, though, is as much as we can possibly afford, so there will be no skiving. The sound of inevitability closing in, maybe. Or perhaps it's having a wider acquaintance who are doing interesting things (where "interesting" comprises a pretty sizeable range...but that's the point, innit?).

Or I'm starting my midlife crisis really fucking early, in which case PLEASE SEND BULLETS. Lots of them. ...

arkham1010 had his this year, right?, and we're the same age...Oh God. This bodes not well.

I'm sure the #1 response to this whinge will be "so go do something for yourself!" The problem is that I tend to do that rather a lot (see: Burning Man, Pennsic), and I want to include my loved ones in more of my life, not less of it. I want to share my excitement at seeing the Pyramids and the Karlstejn Castle and Mt. Fuji. It's no fun by yourself.