I've never been to meeeeeeeeeeeee.

[serinde]

Depositing the check which is going to turn into a certified check for the down payment on our new house seems to have crystallized a few things in the old brane.

I've spent most of my life under the influence of my mother's (and to a lesser extent, my sister's) exhortations to be responsible, act like an adult, etc. And, since graduating college, I've gone through steady development progress towards that end; sometimes eagerly, sometimes kicking and screaming, but generally moving forwards. So here I am, married, with a job that is not over-remunerative but carries a lot of resume-significant responsibility (lookit me! I found a better way of saying "looks great on paper!"), investing most of my future into a house with a brown shadowbox fence, two cats, and a pool. With the potential of spawning down the road, a prospect with enough baggage that I don't need to bring it up in this post, but suffice to say the spectre is having its effect.

So, like, the American Dream and stuff, "somewhere out of a memory of quiet streets on a quiet night". It's what I've been programmed from birth to seek. And suddenly, I'm struck with the misspent youth I didn't have. Well yes, I scored max points on TEH WACKY SEXX0R, but that's about it. I've never blacked out from too much drink, I haven't backpacked around Europe, I haven't gotten completely lost in a Southeast Asian train system. I haven't tried living for a summer as a paid-under-the-table bartender or as a volunteer worker in a nature preserve or trying to write the Great Novel Of Our Time. I've never committed B&E or had sex anyplace I didn't have the keys for (and though that includes the high school auditorium lighting booth, I'm not sure it scores much in the way of cool points). I haven't followed a band or gone on a true Road Trip. I haven't been in a fight. I haven't even SEEN a fight.

Why this is suddenly hitting me like a truck, I don't know. Possibly because our current house payments were low enough that I could have done something wacky for a little while and not made things go foom. This new place, though, is as much as we can possibly afford, so there will be no skiving. The sound of inevitability closing in, maybe. Or perhaps it's having a wider acquaintance who are doing interesting things (where "interesting" comprises a pretty sizeable range...but that's the point, innit?).

Or I'm starting my midlife crisis really fucking early, in which case PLEASE SEND BULLETS. Lots of them. ...arkham1010 had his this year, right?, and we're the same age...Oh God. This bodes not well.

I'm sure the #1 response to this whinge will be "so go do something for yourself!" The problem is that I tend to do that rather a lot (see: Burning Man, Pennsic), and I want to include my loved ones in more of my life, not less of it. I want to share my excitement at seeing the Pyramids and the Karlstejn Castle and Mt. Fuji. It's no fun by yourself.

Comments

[sweh.livejournal.com]

Compared to me, you did (and do!) have a wild and wacky life and, as I posted a couple of months back, I'm not sure that I'm an adult. *sigh*

[kalimar.livejournal.com]

You're getting a new house?! Damn. I don't think I've seen your current place.

Congrats though :)

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

"misspent youth" is just a romantic way of saying "learning things the hard way". Mourning the "exciting but stupid" things you never did is silly.

If there's something you WANT to do, do it. There is no "should've done".

As for seeing the Pyramids and Mt. Fuji, my parents have done that in the last 5-10 years. So you shouldn't be in any hurry, as far as i can tell.

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

Well--I busted out into a few more-typically-collegiate antics the summer before last, and I don't regret the experience. It was unwise for a number of reasons, and I probably shouldn't'a done 'em, but considering only as it affected myself I'm not sorry I did.

I'm evolving a theory that this drive to try stuff which would have been far more excusable at a younger age is related to other brane issues, though, so I probably need to sort that before returning to this particular bit of bellybutton lint.

(I do know the travel one is rectifiable. My grandparents did a lot of travelling, probably the lion's share of it, after age 50. Possibly this is more of a fear of "I haven't done it *this* far, what if I keep being lame?".)

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

If you're lame now, you won't go. If you keep being lame, well, you'll never go.

I do have occasional regrets about stuff i didn't do in my youth, not so much in a 'misspent youth' sort of way but more in the 'i had all that energy then, where will i find the energy now, let alone in the future?' vein. My experience shows that it's not a matter of energy, but motivation. I have that now, and i'm sure i'll have it later.

[xlerb.livejournal.com]

Your youth sounds much more misspent than mine. Not that that's hard to do.

(But my thing lately has not, in fact, been mourning my non-"misspent" youth, but rather the (related) persistent feeling that I've driven my life into a metaphorical ditch. (But this is your place to whine about that, not mine.))

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

You're from snow country, you know what to do: call a few friends to help you push out of the ditch. :)

[missionista.livejournal.com]

I always find a career cahnge liberating and refreshing. If you are still looking to have dramatic, life-shifting change, you could try that. Although buying a new house also completely qualifies.

Overall, it sounds like you got the positives of a mispent youth (woo hoo, wacky sexxor) without the negatives (waking up in pool of vomit, your own or someone else's). Travelling can happen anytime, and in some ways, it' better to do it when you can actually appreciate the places you go to, rather than jsut see them as new places to get drunk/do drugs/have sex/whatever.

Hope things get less stressful.

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'm looking for change per se; more a wider range of experiences. Stuff to try, not stuff to buy.

One of the things that the focus group did for me was, I sat down and took a long hard look at other career paths I had thought I wanted to try. I went so far as to do some legwork on how to get started on them, and I eventually came to the conclusion that, odd as it sounds, I am happy in my work, for the most part. I haven't discounted those other possibilities, but I realized that this is not the exact moment in time I want to be switching to them. Six years ago, yeah; and maybe in a few years down the road, but not right now.

Also, oddly, I don't feel all that stressed for the most part. Busy as hell, but I'm not too knotted up. (And when I am, it's more traceable to long-term lack of sleep.) But thanks :)

[yesthattom.livejournal.com]

Now that it is a few days later, do you still feel the same?

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

... Sort of. Not exactly. One good result is, Steve and I talked about the travelling thing, and we've made a verbal commitment to planning a trip maybe every other year once we're financially stable again. It doesn't address the underlying foo, but it's a mitigation.

More recently I've been drifting into my on-again, off-again battle with I Am Sick Of Being The Good Girl Because The Bad Girls Get All The Fun, Not To Mention *Real* Respect. I may post about that later.