Warning: introspection ahead

[serinde]

I started working through "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain" this morning; did the four "pre-instruction" sketches on the train, which have the purpose of giving you a before-and-after comparison once you're done. They are:

1. a portrait of someone (I did Steve reading)
   
2. "draw a person" without looking at anyone (this turned out to be an indeterminate-gender person leaning on a small tree)
   
3. your off-hand
   
4. a chair. (I actually didn't do that one on the train, for reasons I hope should be obvious.)
   

Steve chortled when he saw #2. When I demanded to know what was so funny (I _knew_ it was bad, but...) he said "I noticed you drew him with a mullet." :-P

His only other comment was "so you're going through all this just so you can make a drawing of your D&D character?" *hmph* I know that a good part of the reason I married him was because he can see right through me; I'm just trying to remember WHY THAT'S A FEATURE...


Just as when I'd first bought the book way back in high school, I had serious lizard-brain issues trying to get going on this. It trips into a crippling-embarrassment bit that I've had since I was pretty small, and I don't know _why_. I'm not even sure what it _is_, even, I can only define it by what it makes me not do. Like, drawing someone I know...or seeing pictures of myself (photo or sketch)...or singing in front of people (even though I know I can carry a tune)...or dancing. Obviously this is some kind of self-consciousness problem, judging from the last two, but I'm not sure how the first two tie in to that.

And then there's the extra value-added fun where I can get embarrassed on someone else's behalf, even though they're not, and (here's the kicker) _when all they're doing is something that would make *me* selfconscious if *I* was doing it_. My personal problems are bad enough, but that one is a total bullshit issue and must be destroyed, because I will NOT be the rain on someone else's parade.

I have no idea how one is supposed to eradicate problems like this.


Saturday is Pooky's birthday. As usual I have no idea what to get him. :)

ObMusic: I'm so glad that someone is making good ol' doofy rock-n-roll about parties and sex again. Whiny angsty nu-metal delenda est.

Comments

[sweh.livejournal.com]

Self consciousness issues: we all have that. I have it intensly. I like to think of myself as a competent person. Whatever I turn my hand to I can do well. Or at the very least, adequately. I'm not an electrician, but I'm sufficiently OK at it to do basic stuff., for example.

Of course this leads to whole areas not being touched, or if I do, then I try to do it in private. For example, I can't cook. When I asked for advice on good books, people started talking about "Oh, just experiment and cook for others and get their feedback." Nonononono. Can't cook for others until I feel competent enough at it that I won't create a clusterfuck. I'd be too self-conscious about doing something in public which I know I'm not good at.

Embarrassed for others: Hell, I won't even watch some sit-coms on TV because I find the situations they get into to be intensly and painfully embarrassing. And that's fiction! *shudder*