Yay more crazy.

[serinde]

I continue periodic daily moments of losing my shit, either to the weepy or the uncontrollably furious, over incredibly minor and unimportant matters; sense of proportion would appear to be something that happens to other people right now. After various sharing of woe and strategy planning with patient & kindly listeners, this week I've been on a program of exercise (I make sure to do at least 20 min. on the elliptical on days when I don't have physical therapy for my shoulder, which is to say, every other day) and good diet. So far, it doesn't seem to have helped much. In fact, yesterday I took a half-hour walk at lunch with Beth, and by the time I got home I was more uncontrollably twitchy than if I hadn't exercised in two weeks. So, okay, to the elliptical. I went for over fifteen minutes on that, getting more and more agitated as I went on, until I was practically running on the thing while getting alternating flashes of crying fits and red fury. Gave over, went upstairs, collapsed on the bed and stared at the ceiling trying to muster some measure of control, where Steve found me when he came in to change. We talked for a bit (extra gold star for Supportive-Husband-Man), though came to no particular conclusions. And then I was fine for the rest of the evening (except the very end when I was dog-tired and just utterly out of bits--dariodevil gets the cookie for cleaning up after that one).

I would like my sanity back. I would like my control back. I am disgusted with my behavior and there doesn't seem to be any reasonable cause for it and it's not as if I have any excuse to be a basket case. I'm trying to employ techniques suggested by various people, like redirecting thoughts and deep breathing and achieving Zen and whatnot (many of which I ordinarily use with some success), but during these Moments the emotional strobe light is set so fast it only works in half-second increments.

This too shall pass. I just want it to pass FASTER. And I want to know how to do something, anything, to affect it.

Comments

[otherwise-nyc.livejournal.com]

To you as well I recommend the book, [When Things Fall Apart], by Pema Chodron. It's at every Barnes and Noble, generally (under Eastern Philosophy) or of course amazon.com.

It is the single book I have found most helpful as I have tried to get my shit together. Danny called it the M in the RTFM of the stuff he's been trying over the last few months, too.

It is wise and soothing and practical, and has actual things in it which you can try to do. It might also help you reframe how you're feeling.

There is also, of course, always beer and chatter available to you!

[missionista.livejournal.com]

It sounds like there might be some underlying issue that's bothering you. Something that hasn't occurred to your conscious brain yet. Anything cropping up in dreams lately? Have you tried doing some meditation on the anger/weeping itself, rather than meditating to redirect the thoughts?

Good luck!

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

Only one dream stands out, and that is one of the things that contributed to previous f-locked post, If You See What I Mean.

I've racked my brane and failed to come up with any cause, and in fact I thought that it might be a very useful thing to start morning pages again; but trying to slot that half-hour in when I"m already getting up at 6:15 three days a week... aghghgh kill me. (Surely wish I could do them on the train like Beth does but it's just not settled & private enough.)

[briony530.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's holiday stress? All the frenzy and running around and doing stuff followed by the "it's over and I barely got to enjoy it" feeling. I'm just thinking of what you said recently about too much fun in your fun. The holidays just took your already full brain and overbooked it completely and now your cerebellum resembles an airport lounge full of angry travelers who just found out they can't get home?

We have fun tomorrow night and give many hugs to you!!!

[b00jum.livejournal.com]

This, I think, is possibly a job for one of those councilor type people. While friends are well and good, having someone who is not part of ones life and is actually trained to work with stuff can be helpful.

Good luck and all that.

[catling.livejournal.com]

maybe you're pregnant? *duck*

I mean... you're describing how I often feel these days! :)

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

Heh. Considering I'm in the middle of uterus eviction right now, that seems deeply, deeply unlikely.

However: Congrats! :)

[briony530.livejournal.com]

So maybe that's the reason for the most recent super-moodiness?

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

I shouldn't think so; I mean, I've got a pretty good feel for my menstrual-related antics by now.

[briony530.livejournal.com]

Well of course you do...that's their little devious ploy...be all predictable and lure you into a false sense of security and then !BAM! you're girl interrupted with a side of heebeejeebees. Just seems the timing is kinda too coincidental. Allow full emotional rein for a couple of days and re-evaluate.

[catling.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm pretty psyched, though it's not exactly expected. :)

So, this is greater than normal hormonal crazies? Hmmmmm... what other factors could be pushing your envelope?

[missionista.livejournal.com]

Srsly--I swear the French Revolution is going on down there at the moment. The other day I was attending to the bits, and I swear I heard an imperious French voice ordering me to eat some cake!

[briony530.livejournal.com]

So *that's* where that voice comes from...

[lillilah]

You sound miserable. It might be time to seek professional help. I'd start with a therapist, but you might also want to consider seeing a doctor if the therapist can't find a cause for it. Are you on hormonal birth control? That used to make me 100 kinds of crazy. Maybe there is a physical reason for all this. Nothing is worse, when you are used to always being in charge of your emotions and accomplishing things by force of will, than suddenly losing your control. *hug* I hope you feel better soon.