On the two-way street of relationships
Apr. 20th, 2006 12:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serindeToday's revelation evolved out of the morning pages I've been doing for Artist's Way, which are at the moment exploring the needs of the self vs. the needs of the, well, everyone else.
One of the things I'm trying to get a grip on is the vast gap between recognizing my own needs and their validity (which I do) and actually standing up and saying "Yo. I need THIS." Because meeting my needs will, to some extent greater or lesser, mean time or attention or effort or money taken away from someone else's (or several someone elses') pile; thus, it's shorting them. It's not relevant to this exercise whether or not there is a wide discrepancy between my pile and everyone else's and this is just a communistic redistribution. My brain still processes this as Taking From Someone Else, Who Presumably I Care About, So I Should Stop Being Selfish.
So, I asked me, what would I like to see? Because if I'm deliberately setting me up for a no-win situation, obviously there's a different rat i' the arras I'll have to deal with. Well, I replied to me, I don't want to feel selfish, I don't want to put myself over someone else. Ideally, I continued, I'd like it if it just happened and I didn't have to either scream or whine to make it be so. (And it doesn't matter what tone you actually use, if in your own head it's going to sound like one of those regardless.)
And that's really the nubbin, isn't it? One of the most sought-after, most storied, most desirable characteristics in a relationship is when they just know what you need, because it's a sign of that closeness of spirits that is the nearest to touching the divine that I think we get in our lives. You don't want to have to jump up and down saying Wah, because they should just know if they REALLY love you, right? Well, said I to myself, that's a pretty ninth-grade analysis; we're all imperfect humans here and we aren't mind-readers and even someone who knows you inside and out won't always be on top of it, and frankly it'd be weird and freaky if they did. One is always going to have to communicate one's needs until we invent the telepathy helmet. But, that being said, the whinge brushes lightly against a truth.
And that truth is, "taking" isn't what a relationship needs. Both sides need to give, and give freely, without duress or grudge. Obvious and petty example: he may buy you flowers if you whine about it alla time, but it isn't a tenth as delightful and wondrous as if he just does it out of the blue. We seek the diametric opposite of "aw, she'll kill me if I show up on (V-Day/birthday/anniversary) without roses". However, this doesn't just apply to little random romance bits; I think it's generally applicable to most aspects of a relationship: time, attention, labors, you name it.
Now, after a great deal of observation on any number of relationships, I think that most people don't really hoard their Stuff so that the other half feels forced to "take" or do without. I daresay it just doesn't occur to them that it would be better to be an active rather than a passive participant in the exchange. You get the feeling that many people just default to the What Is Expected In A Relationship List Of Ticky Boxes and figure that should suffice to communicate their ongoing commitment and caring. The flip side of that, though, is that the other side feels that there's little or no personal tailoring of the Ticky-Box list, or else it was tailored early on and never resized as we get old and squishy around the tum (to really drag this metaphor out to a ridiculous extent).
If I have an actual point to make, I'm not sure what it was. This was something of a revelation for me, but it may not be for others (though one hears "There has to be give and take in a relationship!!" often enough in the wild that perhaps it will be a revelation for some portion of the Gentle Readers). I'm also not sure I'm any closer to solving my inability to communicate my needs (and I think I'm engaged in omphaloskepsis in order to avoid doing work). Eh, whatever. Here, have some delicious brain candy.
One of the things I'm trying to get a grip on is the vast gap between recognizing my own needs and their validity (which I do) and actually standing up and saying "Yo. I need THIS." Because meeting my needs will, to some extent greater or lesser, mean time or attention or effort or money taken away from someone else's (or several someone elses') pile; thus, it's shorting them. It's not relevant to this exercise whether or not there is a wide discrepancy between my pile and everyone else's and this is just a communistic redistribution. My brain still processes this as Taking From Someone Else, Who Presumably I Care About, So I Should Stop Being Selfish.
So, I asked me, what would I like to see? Because if I'm deliberately setting me up for a no-win situation, obviously there's a different rat i' the arras I'll have to deal with. Well, I replied to me, I don't want to feel selfish, I don't want to put myself over someone else. Ideally, I continued, I'd like it if it just happened and I didn't have to either scream or whine to make it be so. (And it doesn't matter what tone you actually use, if in your own head it's going to sound like one of those regardless.)
And that's really the nubbin, isn't it? One of the most sought-after, most storied, most desirable characteristics in a relationship is when they just know what you need, because it's a sign of that closeness of spirits that is the nearest to touching the divine that I think we get in our lives. You don't want to have to jump up and down saying Wah, because they should just know if they REALLY love you, right? Well, said I to myself, that's a pretty ninth-grade analysis; we're all imperfect humans here and we aren't mind-readers and even someone who knows you inside and out won't always be on top of it, and frankly it'd be weird and freaky if they did. One is always going to have to communicate one's needs until we invent the telepathy helmet. But, that being said, the whinge brushes lightly against a truth.
And that truth is, "taking" isn't what a relationship needs. Both sides need to give, and give freely, without duress or grudge. Obvious and petty example: he may buy you flowers if you whine about it alla time, but it isn't a tenth as delightful and wondrous as if he just does it out of the blue. We seek the diametric opposite of "aw, she'll kill me if I show up on (V-Day/birthday/anniversary) without roses". However, this doesn't just apply to little random romance bits; I think it's generally applicable to most aspects of a relationship: time, attention, labors, you name it.
Now, after a great deal of observation on any number of relationships, I think that most people don't really hoard their Stuff so that the other half feels forced to "take" or do without. I daresay it just doesn't occur to them that it would be better to be an active rather than a passive participant in the exchange. You get the feeling that many people just default to the What Is Expected In A Relationship List Of Ticky Boxes and figure that should suffice to communicate their ongoing commitment and caring. The flip side of that, though, is that the other side feels that there's little or no personal tailoring of the Ticky-Box list, or else it was tailored early on and never resized as we get old and squishy around the tum (to really drag this metaphor out to a ridiculous extent).
If I have an actual point to make, I'm not sure what it was. This was something of a revelation for me, but it may not be for others (though one hears "There has to be give and take in a relationship!!" often enough in the wild that perhaps it will be a revelation for some portion of the Gentle Readers). I'm also not sure I'm any closer to solving my inability to communicate my needs (and I think I'm engaged in omphaloskepsis in order to avoid doing work). Eh, whatever. Here, have some delicious brain candy.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-20 11:33 pm (UTC)Mmmmmm, branes.
Like so many other things in life, giving and taking are both problematic if you take them to their uttermost illogical extreme. Sometimes you need to directly address one of your own needs, sometimes you have to spot your loved ones a clue what you want or need, and you give what you can and try to be sensitive to the wants and needs there too and not be completely oblivious to whatever clues come floating your way.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 04:38 am (UTC)